Dear YOU,
I have been
contemplating writing this letter. I was
worried that I would write some long drawn out, sappy, tear soaked letter as my
nerves get the best of me. I feel like I
have so much to say. Let me start with
this, for those of you who may not know or understand where this doomish
sounding introduction.
On Monday
morning, I report to Kenmore Mercy Hospital at 6am. About 4 months ago, an MRI
revealed that I have s spinal tumor/mass inside my spinal cord that is resting
on my spinal column and causing constant symptoms like numbness. The surgery is 100% necessary to prevent further
issues. Without it, I will eventually be
paralyzed. With it, I run a 10% chance
of paralysis or increased symptoms. The
odds are in my favor. However, odd or no
odds the FEAR is gripping.
Very simply,
I love my life. My biggest fear is that
it won’t be the same after the surgery.
And on the off chance that something changes, I feel like I need to say
something to everyone that I’ve ever come into contact with. That, is obviously,
an impossible tasks. But, I can at least
say what’s in my heart and hope that on the other side of my surgery, my life
will continue on its current path, rendering this whole letter totally unnecessary.
It goes
without saying that if you are reading this, you care. So thank you. I have tried to live my life by
treating others as I would like to be treated.
This is a hard task. As a woman
(and even just as a human), it’s hard to not into give in societal habits like talking
ill of others or being self-invested. It’s
often hard to give of yourself, even when you don’t have much, simply for the
joy it brings to someone else. I hope that
each and every one of you have at least one memory of me that makes you smile. If I made you laugh, that warms my
heart.
If I looked
at my life as a movie, it has been a blockbuster. I have been so blessed to
have an amazing ensemble of characters in my life, all perfectly casted at the
right moments. It has been sound tracked by amazing music. It’s been full of wonderful
dance scenes, great comedy and award winning drama. And I have been blessed to
feel that I now understand that energy and spirit that has been in charge of
writing the script along the way.
In short, I
am at peace. That may sound dramatic but
it shouldn’t be surprising for me to do anything without a flare of drama. However, this surgery is serious and it is
not without serious risk. And even though
my heart, spirit and soul feel at peace with it, I am still scared. I am allowing doctors and medical professionals
to hold my life and body in their hands. It is the single scariest and most
difficult moment of letting go I will ever experience.
Combine that with the memories of watching my
father struggle from his own paralyzation, and I can only suspect that most
people understand where this is coming from.
I already
know that the moments after I wake from surgery in recovery will be the
scariest of my life. The mental check
list of making sure that I’m okay will be overwhelming. I also feel confident that I will have a good
laugh as I realize that I am okay. I will be so angry at myself over the wasted
energy spent on hours of anxiety ridden thoughts. But I guess this is all part
of the process, this experience.
So in an
attempt to not run long-winded, let me just say this. If you are reading this, I love you. Truly, I love you. I love that you are a part of my life. Because you have been in my life, you have
brought me to this moment in some way.
And other than this very scary experience, my life is perfect. Without
you, I wouldn’t be where I am and I couldn’t imagine being in a place that is more wonderful than now. So thank you. From the depths of my heart. Thank you for your love, support, friendship, honesty and laughter. I owe you one!
Much Love,
Kat
Not a post
script – but….
I also want
to thank my friends that have no graciously set up and donated to my
giveforward campaign. I was asked to
post that information again.
You can find
out about it here.
I really haven’t
done much to personally tell my friends and family about the fundraiser. Although I have health insurance, I do have
concerns over just basic bills, after insurance medical bills and day to day
expenses since I will be out of work for anywhere from 6 to 12 weeks. I hate asking for help (especially money),
and that is why I’m even hesitant to even put it here. But after a long conversation with a dear
friends today, I also recognize that I need help, so it’s out there in the
universe. And I am confident that I will
have everything that I need as I need it.
And with
that, thank you. I love you! Tell the
people that you love, that you love them.
Do something special to make someone else smile. Be kind to each other. Encourage someone to take a risk to make
themselves greater. Take your own risk
to make yourself greater. Love yourself so that you can be loved by someone else. Dance like no is watching. Scratch that…dance like someone is watching. Sing.
Find your light. Hug your mom. Hug
yourself.
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