I love Wombats!

"You got to take it with you if your moving forward.  If you're moving on, you've got to leave it behind"

I am finally starting to feel like me again.  Not pre-diagnosis me but the real me. 

My last radiation session was New Year’s Eve.  Now, two weeks later, my body is starting to feel better.  My body is detoxing.  The accumulative effects of the radiation have to take effect.  In 6 weeks, I’ll have an MRI.  A week later, I’ll meet with my neurologist to see what happened.  The hope? That the 20% of the tumor that was left behind will be gone.  Until then, I have a life to live.  I can only cross that bridge when I get to it. 

On Christmas Eve, David and I feel into deep conversation. As we talked, I realized that I had spent the last few months just wishing for things to be back to “normal.” It was a haunted focus.  But it wasn’t the right focus.  It was as if I was trying to pretend that the last eight months hadn’t happened.  I hadn’t accepted what had happened.  This had been a universal intervention of epic proportions.  I had to evaluate what was important to me.  I needed to re-evaluate my life’s direction. 

We spend a lot of time letting people make us feel guilty.  People that don’t understand out pursuits don’t often seek to understand their importance.  We are not cut from the same cloth.  We all have different loves, passions and desires.  And living a life that is focused on those three things isn’t wrong if it’s right for you. So, as I realized that I had been focusing my energy in the wrong direction, the weight of 2014 lifted from my shoulders.  I could take the sadness with me and let the negative drag me forward as I worked against the weight of my life.  Or I could learn from it.  I could leave the negative behind and use the positive to propel me forward on my life’s journey. In a split second, I had to make a choice.

What was the point in fighting to live if I wasn’t going to enjoy the life I had left? This was my new normal.  You don’t walk away from a life awakening experience and just go back to the way “things were.”  Well, I guess you could, but what would that do?  In my heart, it was just making me miserable.  When I finally accepted that this life lesson was experienced with a purpose, I finally felt the release of 8 months of tears, pain, heartache and guilt.  I still don’t understand its purpose in my life, but the realization that it has one is key.  Now the big question, what do I do with it? What do I do from here? 

The answer?  I don’t know.  That path hasn’t revealed itself just yet.  But I’m confident that it will.  I have to stop rushing it.  I can’t push to make things happen.  If the right people and right moments are to be placed in my path, I simply cannot make them appear.  I have to first have faith in myself.  It is with complete trust in myself that I move forward knowing that the more I love those around me- the more I love my experiences – the more I stay true to my heart - the more I will live the life that I was meant to live.  

Regret is pointless.  Fear only holds you back from growth. Share your joy. Shed your sadness. Surround yourself with people that love you – the real you – because they understand you. Don’t waste your time defending your life choices, simply live your life.  Awakening feels good.  I hear the message. Now, it’s up to me to decide what I’m going to do with it.