"You got to take it with you if your moving forward. If you're moving on, you've got to leave it behind"
I am finally starting to feel like me again. Not pre-diagnosis me but the real me.
My last radiation session was New Year’s Eve. Now, two weeks later, my body is starting to
feel better. My body is detoxing. The accumulative effects of the radiation
have to take effect. In 6 weeks, I’ll have
an MRI. A week later, I’ll meet with my
neurologist to see what happened. The
hope? That the 20% of the tumor that was left behind will be gone. Until then, I have a life to live. I can only cross that bridge when I get to
it.
On Christmas Eve, David and I feel into deep conversation.
As we talked, I realized that I had spent the last few months just wishing for
things to be back to “normal.” It was a haunted focus. But it wasn’t the right focus. It was as if I was trying to pretend that the
last eight months hadn’t happened. I hadn’t
accepted what had happened. This had
been a universal intervention of epic proportions. I had to evaluate what was important to
me. I needed to re-evaluate my life’s
direction.
We spend a lot of time letting people make us feel
guilty. People that don’t understand out
pursuits don’t often seek to understand their importance. We are not cut from the same cloth. We all have different loves, passions and
desires. And living a life that is
focused on those three things isn’t wrong if it’s right for you. So, as I
realized that I had been focusing my energy in the wrong direction, the weight
of 2014 lifted from my shoulders. I
could take the sadness with me and let the negative drag me forward as I worked
against the weight of my life. Or I
could learn from it. I could leave the
negative behind and use the positive to propel me forward on my life’s journey.
In a split second, I had to make a choice.
What was the point in fighting to live if I wasn’t going to
enjoy the life I had left? This was my new normal. You don’t walk away from a life awakening
experience and just go back to the way “things were.” Well, I guess you could, but what would that
do? In my heart, it was just making me
miserable. When I finally accepted that
this life lesson was experienced with a purpose, I finally felt the release of
8 months of tears, pain, heartache and guilt.
I still don’t understand its purpose in my life, but the realization
that it has one is key. Now the big
question, what do I do with it? What do I do from here?
The answer? I don’t
know. That path hasn’t revealed itself
just yet. But I’m confident that it will. I have to stop rushing it. I can’t push to make things happen. If the right people and right moments are to
be placed in my path, I simply cannot make them appear. I have to first have faith in myself. It is with complete trust in myself that I
move forward knowing that the more I love those around me- the more I love my
experiences – the more I stay true to my heart - the more I will live the life
that I was meant to live.
Regret is pointless.
Fear only holds you back from growth. Share your joy. Shed your sadness.
Surround yourself with people that love you – the real you – because they
understand you. Don’t waste your time defending your life choices, simply live
your life. Awakening feels good. I hear the message. Now, it’s up to me to
decide what I’m going to do with it.
