This is not supposed to be happening. I called out of work today because I can’t stop crying. Let me back up and explain. Yesterday, I went to another doctors appointment with the neurological practice that is handling my care. This time the easy, breezy wait and see conversations were replaced with a whole different level of urgency. My symptoms are increasing; the mass inside my spine is slightly larger; waiting is now a dangerous option.
This doctor, Dr. A, feels that the mass is more than likely a spinal tumor. I’ve started to lose slight sensation in my feet, mostly my toes. He feels that without surgery, I am looking at paralyzation within a few years. There is a 10% chance that something goes wrong during the surgery. I am scared beyond words The tears come constantly.
Surgery would go down like this. I would be under for the entire procedure. My leg, brain and arm function would be monitored constantly. I would be face down for 4 to 10 hours of surgery. An incision would be made and a portion of my spine would be removed. Then the surgeon would open my spinal column and under microscope remove a small portion of the mass that is mounting the current campaign on my spinal cord. After removing a portion of the mass, a pathologist would immediately test the mass and determine what it is. There is no other way to make this determination. Or so Im being told. Needle biopsy is risker than surgery. Did I mention that I am crying, constantly?
The fear of the other side of the surgical procedure is scarier than the surgery itself. I watched for years as my father suffered from paralyzation. He was addicted to pain medication. He had to perform daily bowel care that involved self removal. He suffered through bed sores, skin grafts, and painful medical procedures. This is not the life I want to live. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone’s daily routine. I can’t be anything other than self sufficient. I don’t function that way.
The timing on this is incredible horrible. I am the brink of getting myself out from under heavy debt. I’ve been working two jobs the last year to get myself there. Instead of saving for the unexpected, I’ve been paying off debt because I figured I still had time. What could possibly happen? So now, I’m sitting here, worried about a complicated surgery that involves a lengthy recovery, physical therapy and trying to figure out how in the world I’m going to make my car payment, pay rent, pay the bills, buy groceries. I’ve always worked. I may not have always been the most fiscally responsible person, but I always worked. Here I am at a time in my life where I finally realize that it’s time to act like an adult, pay my debt and start building for a future, and BAM! Reality hits me like a ton of bricks.
It’s no ones fault other than my own. I can’t blame my parents for not having taught me better. I ultimately made my bad decisions. But while in the midst of trying to do the right thing, to get to a better place, this is what I get saddled with? Are you kidding me? Why now? Why couldn’t this wait a year? Maybe two? I have things to do. I had plans. This was not a part of it.
So I fluctuate, between uncontrollable tears, anger, and self loathing. I do not want this surgery. My mind finds itself trapped between fight or flight. I have questioned rather my very existence is worth the stress, the pain, the aftermath, the potential risks or horrible possibility of a botched outcome. At my best moments, I recognize that I am fighter. At my worst, I recognize that I have made a lifetime of bad decisions. None of this would be easy, but had I reached my own potential, the stress would be far less.
A giveforward.com campaign was started for me. It’s embarrassing to need the help. Its humiliating to know that without my friends and family helping me, I’m financially screwed. I will be applying for emergency assistance. As much as I hate to do it, I figured that I’ve sent my whole life paying into the system. I might as well be able to use it when I need it.
I guess like death, we go through the stages of grief with stressful, life-changing situations, too. I guess right now, I’m angry: angry at myself, the situation, my body, the system. I’ve spent that last few months denying that there was a real threat at hand. That denial did bring me to a wonderful place of spiritual enlightenment that I think will ultimately give me some peace and serenity as the process moves forward.
I’m blessed to have my friends, family and phamily by my side. I’m a thinker. I over think, over analysis, and over stress about things. I hope that I can get my mind, spirit and soul in the right place and modern medicine heal my body. It’s hard to give up that control. But this time, I don’t really have a choice. It feels like that this time the decision has already been made for me.
